How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
