the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i love accidental penises.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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