you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
