I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
