my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
There's even glitter on my cock...
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