Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
