I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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