he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
