So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
