there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
