Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
