I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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