I wish I could teleport
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
