Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my sisters under your porch take her home
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
