Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
