i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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