I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
