Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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