I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
