it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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