I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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