I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Let's get the cat blown out
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
