um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
