I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
