It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
