Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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