Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
