So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
