My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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