T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
