3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
