it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
