He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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