batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What changed your mind?
Being sober
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
