It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
