I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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