How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
