his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
