i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
