Banned from zoo.
Again?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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