I feel like abortions should bother me more
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
