Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
