3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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