someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
organizing the empties. That sober.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
