dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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