I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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