hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
