Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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