And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pants are for mortals
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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