Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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