I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
