Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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