this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dick very happy bro
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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