dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
