guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
