college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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