When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
