dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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