I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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