just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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