Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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