My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
